These are actual play reports from the first run through of my goblin manor adventure. Goblin Manor is Gormenghast with goblins. It began with an exploration of philosophical critiques of modernity, and ended up as Labyrinth fan-fiction.
Session 1
Four odd characters find themselves
invited, each for a different reason, to a banquet hosted by Prince Jerome, one
of five heirs to the failing King of the Northern Kingdom. This includes:
· Breen, a gnome bard
· Digger, a dwarven ranger
· Mefilicent, an elven druid
· Jack, a rogue who suspects he may have divine blood in his
veins
Jack, boldly claiming the title
"Lord Viceroy," wastes no time in failing in a clumsy attempt to pick
the pocket of an errant noble. He is promptly and roughly seized by two
well-armored guards. Digger spends his time making business contacts
while Breen and Mefilicent attempt to insinuate themselves into the high
society they believe themselves equal to. Mefilicent is largely
unsuccessful while Breen learns about the Prince's interest in the science and
technology of human improvement.
All are interrupted by Prince
Jerome's entry into the hall, accompanied by fanfare and a sizeable number of
guards. He proceeds to the throne at the center of the room, looking
haggard, unkempt, and generally without the panache one would expect from such
an august character. After an awkward silence, he launches into a furious
rant about the limits of reason, the hypocrisy of his family, and some
suggestion that the civilizational project as a whole is bollocks. During
the ensuing stunned silence, he picks up a bell from beside his seat and begins
to ring it.
At this point, the widows
surrounding the hall shatter and hundreds of goblins begin pouring in, a
veritable green tide of verminous creatures. More come surging in through
the two obvious exits, including a phalanx of armored goblins riding rather
sickly-looking bird creatures.
Jack rudely seizes a weapon from a
dying guard, while Breen and Mefilicent launch themselves into the fray.
Digger searches for an exit, following the crowd of highly anxious, screaming
nobles. Things quickly go South, as Breen and Mefilicent are swarmed by
goblins. Both narrowly manage to escape being eaten as a giant iron
construct, belching steam, bursts out of a door in the back of the hall, driven
by the indefatigable Lord Pendegrast.
Jack discovers, to his dismay, that
the door the iron walker came from is not actually a way out. Digger
attempts to do some good, joining the guards who have managed to form a line of
defense, thanks to their excellent Armor Class. The iron giant pulps
masses of goblins with every step, but also manages to create significant holes
in the ground with every step - and even more with every missed punch.
The prince appears to be watching all these events fairly impassively, joined
by a fearsome goblin encased in iron and wire, directing traffic.
The guards begin to falter as
enormous hulks of angry flesh - Ogres - begin to climb in through the windows,
joining the Goblin onslaught. Jack, Digger, and others attempt to rally
behind the iron colossus. Breen and Mefilicent manage to extract
themselves. At this point, the iron creature brings his fist down one
final time, and the floor collapses. Everyone tumbles down into darkness...
Our four unlikely fellows find
themselves encased in stone, in the dark, alongside the remains of a
guard. Jack wastes no time removing anything of value, while Digger
begins a crude mining operation. After two days, hungry and thirsty, they
hear a voice from the other side. Reginald, a somewhat put-upon kitchen servant
adds to the digging effort from the other side, and brings them out, thankful
for the added help. He draws a terrible map to help them.
Session
2
The party proceeds down the hallway
in front of them, seeing linens and pottery being tossed out of two consecutive
rooms. Jack sneaks into the first room, finding a goblin consumed with
rooting around through the linen closets. He bravely impales the small
creature, completely unaware of his presence, on the sword taken from the
guard. He attempts to repeat this maneuver on the goblin engaged in
destruction of the china, but only manages to impale a cupboard. The
goblin runs out of the room, yelling in shock and alarm. The rest of the
party flies into action, fearing retribution by a much greater number.
Mefilicent entangles the goblin in a forest of angry floorboards, effectively
stopping its escape. It takes the rest of the party a surprisingly long
time standing around the one diminutive creature, driving their various
implements of destruction down in unison, before the poor sod expires.
The party creeps down the hallway,
wary of the frowny goblin face attached to the large "Kitchen" on the
map. From behind a closed door they hear a great amount of banging and
clanging, gobliny growling, a human-sounding "Halp, halp!" and a
poorly-written song: "Put 'im in the pot/make it nice n' hot/eat 'im if
it's done/or eat 'im if it's not."
Breen uses her Bardic magic to open
the door while the party peeks from around the corner. They see, perhaps
unsurprisingly, a large kitchen with multiple gobliny figures, dominated by a
giant cauldron. A large goblin stands perched on a stack of chairs next
to the cauldron, barking orders, while an elderly fellow in red robes dangles
from a rope above. Through a clever magical ventriloquist trick, Breen
draws the attention of a lone goblin standing by the door. Mefilicent
charms it, the party asks it some questions - it seems consumed with the
prospect of eating cheese - and then slaughters it when its usefulness
expires. Jack sneaks up to get a better look, but can't figure out
anything helpful to do. Breen then repeats her ventriloquist trick, and
with a combination of natural charisma and excellent dice rolling manages to
incite a fight amongst the goblins. The party stays well out of sight
until the clamor begins to die down, one of the goblins apparently taking
control of the situation and giving the others a stern talking-to. One
more use of the ventriloquist trick, and the goblins are back at it, with the
ostensible leader declaring she had had enough.
The party sneaks into the kitchen,
finding the remnants of a fearsome battle with a sole guard armed with a
crossbow looking down on the room and three cranky goblins sweeping up the
mess. Breen puts two to sleep, Mefilicent charms another, and the party violently
dispatches the last one. The party revives the elderly fellow, who seems more
frustrated with the whole situation than thankful for not becoming a tasty
snack.
The man declares himself to be
"Festus Carlyle IV," a member of the keep's famous order of
librarians. He gets along less than famously with the party: they
find him pompous, he finds them imbecilic. ("Do you know the way out
from here?" "Well, the front door is stuffed with a thousand
goblins." "Do you at least know the way back from
here?" "Look at where we are - these are servant's
quarters. Why in the world would I know anything about this
area?") Social indelicacies aside, Festus does suggest that the
party seek out, "The Book of the Manor," which would both explain why
things have gone so terribly wrong and, more practically, show the way out.
Reginald, it turns out, has
disappeared amidst all the hulabaloo. The party hears crashing sounds
down the stairs leading into the pantries. Skritcher the goblin,
Mefilicent's new paramour, was willing to detach from her leg long enough to
scout out the pantries. He soon comes flying back in the opposite
direction, waving his arms and screaming in terror. He runs past the
party without stopping and continues out the door on the opposite side of the
room. Two goblins soon appear, wielding spears, as the party takes
defensive positions at the top of the stairs.
The goblins yell, "Here comes
the Beer Lord! Make way for the Beer Lord, now King of the
Kitchen!" The party is unimpressed. "I think they're
disrespecting the Beer Lord! Let's get 'em!" The goblins
charge in, ineffectually flailing their spears against Digger. From
behind the two goblins a massive figure emerges, throwing a cask of some sort
well wide of Digger, managing only to moisten the party as the cask
explodes. The figure then charges up the stairs, revealing a massive
ogre-like creature ridden by a hysterical goblin with a crossbow in one hand
and the head of another goblin in the other (obviously the aforementioned
"Beer Lord.") The half-ogre attempts to shove Digger to the
ground, but in a remarkable feat of Dwarven fortitude Digger stays
upright. Mefilicent conjures a flaming sword which she employs to grievously burn the half-ogre (Crush). Jack, feeling full of himself,
somehow manages to climb up Crush and balance on his shoulders, trading blows
with the Beer Lord. In short order the two goblin henchmen are
dispatched, and Jack slays the Beer Lord, adding his title to a growing list of
dubiously acquired honorifics. Crush, seriously burned and distraught at
the loss of his friend finally breaks and runs, only to fall to a crossbow bolt
in the back from Breen. Thus endeth the session.
Session 3
The party, full of themselves and
none too injured, took little time dusting themselves off and preparing to set
off. Someone scavenged a few odd crossbow bolts, and it was generally agreed
that the piles of bread found in the kitchen were safely edible, so a sizeable
quantity was distributed across the party. Festus is unimpressed, and
grumpy as ever. Hoping to make progress towards finding an exit, the
party leaves the pantries alone and creep into the "Dining Room,"
which turns out to be something of a misnomer. A balcony, half-destroyed,
circles around a massive hall, the floor of which appears to be a writhing mass
of goblin-dom, interspersed with ogres, campfires, and assorted flotsam and
jetsam. The party creeps carefully around the balcony and into the
hallway beyond.
Peeking into the first room they
see, the party spies an assortment of goblins in some sort of negotiations with
an assortment of humans, although the humans seems to be in a disadvantageous
position, tied up and poked at with sharp things. Two wearing strange
masks casually watch the door, while three more, all wearing stovepipe hats
snarl at the captives. The leader, wearing a waistcoat and a jaunty
cravat, rides one of the large, sickly-looking bird-creatures.
As everyone sidles up, Digger
charges in, with witty banter and raised axe, only to be restrained by Jack.
The goblins turn and ready weapons, but hold off attacking. For a
moment it seems as if the standoff might be resolved without violence, when
Lord Pendegrast (the Younger), an older man of great girth and surprising
strength, throws off his bonds, seizes a table leg and begins swinging.
The goblins are dispatched in a few furious moments, several cut down
before even raising a weapon, but in the process Lord Pendegrast is dealt a
near-fatal wound and Digger weathers a great deal of punishment. The
party stops to release the captives, tend to the wounded, and other works of
mercy. Jack attempts to find something to steal from the
still-traumatized three, but only manages to stub his finger and irritate them
further.
Pendegrast demonstrates great
fortitude in shrugging off his injuries and proceeds to answer a few
of the party's questions about the events of the last few days. The
goblins, it seems, have taken over the castle, and are doing a piss-poor job of
running it. While initially a great many humans were taken for food or
killed for sport, they now seem content to let the humans go about their
business, for the most part. (Pendegrast shows his official registration
papers, although the party finds them to be more of a gobliny parody of
bureaucracy. "This was all a terrible mistake, you understand,"
he insists - the now-deceased goblins were ignoring the established protocols.)
Certain nobles, including Pendegrast's brother, have established a safe
haven of sorts, and he suggests they will be able to secure a guide there at
the nearby "Market."
The other noble, apparently some
sort of cleric, sullenly sits and picks his teeth. Jack engages the last
captive, a servant named Rachel, in conversation. She rebuffs his
thoughtful and subtle romantic advances, but is content to wait with him in the
adjacent room (an empty parlor, mostly destroyed). Pendegrast, upon
further questioning, is quite convinced this whole chain of events is an
unfortunate but minor setback in the forward progress of civilization, and
nothing to be too concerned about. Breen attempts to establish her social
station by fondling Pendegrast, with uncertain results. The party takes
time to rest and recover from the exertion of battle, and the time passes
without incident.
Setting off, the now substantial
crowd of refugees makes their way down the hall to the market. They soon
come across a goblin standing outside a small amphitheater, who not only does
not attack them, but invites them to participate in some kind of eating
contest. No one finds the large pile of dead pigeon-like birds waiting in
the chamber remotely appetizing, and the party proceeds up a flight of stairs
into the promised "Market."
The Market, it turns out, is a large
ballroom which has been converted into a chaotic, open-air bazaar. While
a massive ogre lies in a pile of hay to to one side, and iron-armored goblins
patrol the room, no one seems to be fighting or being eaten. Humans,
goblins, and others mill around the various stalls. Eschewing
"Spigot's Fancy Cafe," the adventurers turn to an officious looking
goblin on a pile of books and papers who offers to draw up their official
registration papers. The party politely declines this, and looks for
something more useful. Passing up a goblin with a substantial spread of
pocket lint, forks, and other easily obtainable items, they more seriously
consider obtaining something from a weapons merchant but decline this as well
(possibly due to the shoddy quality and/or bits of hair and blood still
sticking to most of the items). A stop at a goblin scribe proves more
successful. Despite a strong suspicion the goblin can neither spell nor
even read, they commission him to draw up a "square" map of the
manor. He does so eagerly, producing something of uncertain usefulness
but undeniable enthusiasm. When asked for assistance in reading the map,
the goblin stubbornly insists that his booth does not offer help in learning to
read, and that they should seek that elsewhere. Breen threatens to take
back the pocket lint she paid for the map, but ultimately relents. The
party finally comes to an elegant tent with a collection of well-dressed
humans, including the famous Lord Francosa. Francosa grimly draws up
papers giving authorization and instructions to a page who is charged with
guiding the party to the nobles' enclave. Rachel decides to leave the
party at this point, having no interest in the company of such august persons.
Jack bids her farewell, and gives her one of the spare crossbows the
party had wrested from the goblins. She thanks him, and Jack is left
hoping their paths will cross again.
The party warily passes a boisterous
group of goblins in stovepipe hats on their way out of the market, following
the page (who is white with fear). They proceed down an empty, ornate
hallway with a number of rooms leading off to the side. Seeing a dark
fluid coming out of one with the door ajar, Breen peeks to discover a
harpsichord and a number of bodies whose heads have been removed. She
conjures a spectral hand which plays a single note on the harpsichord; it
echoes through the hall but there are no other obvious effects. The party
makes their way down the hallway without incident, finally coming to a phalanx
of iron-encased guards standing at the bottom of a short stair. The page
dives past them into the room ahead, and hugs the ground in gratitude.
Pendegrast makes himself known and leads the party inside.
The nobles have occupied a suite of
rooms, and a fair number of individuals appear to be taking shelter in this
area. Crates and bags of assorted supplies line the walls.
Pendegrast leads the party to a lavish study where three nobles stand
behind an oak desk, flanked by stoic square-jawed men in mechanical armor.
The elder Pendegrast scolds his younger brother for getting into such a
predicament. He addresses the party, answering their questions about
recent events. The Prince, in his judgment, is "clearly mad,"
and the sooner they escape from the manor, the better. Apparently, in
addition to the goblins, the substantial defenses of the estate have been turned
against the inhabitants. ("He's made Harpies," Pendegrast notes
without explanation, suggesting attempting to escape through the windows is a
singularly bad idea). Pendegrast insists that he is in communication with
others outside the manor, and help should arrive within a few days (and he
steadfastly refuses to divulge the specifics of this communication). He
agrees there may be some sort of answers, or at least decent maps, in the
library, but notes the difficulty of getting there. Breen attempts to
engage with the thin woman behind Pendegrast without success ("It speaks!
Is it a goblin?" "No, dear, it's not a goblin.")
Jack attempts to shake hands with the third noble, who to this point has
only smiled inscrutably. Jack receives a small tip in his outstretched
hand. Pendegrast then suggests that the party could prove helpful in
making contact with the peasants, a task the nobles have thus far been unable
to accomplish. A collection of peasants have apparently seized a section
of the manor for themselves. Together, he muses, they might be able to
secure the resources and other support necessary to weather the next few days.
The party seems amenable to this task, and Pendegrast promises to assist
them with supplies.
